Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Voyage Of Forgiveness

Seeing the evolution of me throughout my life has been the roughest voyage that I could ever embark on. Coming to grips with the pain that I have held in for so long and internalizing the pain of others whom I may or may not have had some influence in and making myself hard for so many years. I had forgotten how to love, how to forgive and most importantly, how to release myself from the pain and throw some love my way.

I have been connecting with myself and family that I have not seen for up to 25 years or so lately. I listen a lot but now I can finally open up to see and feel the joys and pains that they themselves have held in for so long. The things that they have convinced themselves of and found that 'I am not the only one'.

I have an aunt that has not really slept in 30 years and I talked with her today along with others about it. She disclosed to me many things and I picked up on a lot during the afternoon. She seems to be holding all the pain inside for everyone, taking a lot of responsibility for everything. Her husband, has had 2 brain operations and some feel that 'he is no longer there' and she is the one that has had to re-teach him how to do things such as eat. I listened while she told me of her daughter and the husband that she had lost at an early age and I could feel all of the pain that my aunt had internalized, how she still pains because this man had died within 3 days and at the age of 41 with 3 kids at home.

I shared with her my understanding, that the only thing that anyone in life can be certain of is death but that we have to focus on the 'life' that the person had and not on the 'end' that so many tend to. I told her that she has to release herself and allow her heart to be happy again so that she may enjoy some sleep. Now I know that this sounds simplistic and I know that I may be full of it, but I do believe that healing one's self is key to being able to open up to the good instead of just focusing on the negative.

As I talked and everyone listened to what it was that I had to say and felt the things that I was saying may actually be truths, I noticed something; the uncle that was not really there was listening intently. I could see the focus in his mind and the understanding of my words and the smile on his face at times as I spoke of healing the self and letting go of the hurt. Now letting go does not mean forgetting, but instead seeing it as the good even if the negatives were so memorable.

So we talked and discussed, life, kids, family, joys and pains. I listened as my mother and the two women counted stories of the past but a lot of focus was made on the bad and the wrongs that they remember. I asked 'why do we remember the past wrongs?' Why is it that we focus our personal experiences on those instead of seeing the rights and forgiving those that wronged us? Now I am not saying to bury the past and not see the wrongs of say society or what has led us to where we are today, but in the personal family of 'he did this' and 'she did that' of loved ones, why is the negative so easy to remember?

They were talking of the new man that the daughter had found but were also fearful and 'hoped' that he was a 'good' man. My other aunt had said that she attracted a good man before so her choice was probably good. She also mentioned that she herself had never attracted 'good' men, so she has been alone for 25 years, never really giving anyone a chance for fear of hurt and failure. I asked her why she was so hard on herself.

When I was outside, the one aunt turned to my mother and said 'I wish my kids could communicate like that' and as we left, the uncle that rarely speaks coherently, took my hand and said 'you are doing good' and that melted my heart, for it made me see that I can do good with my words instead of just trying to make people angry enough to take action.

I will leave this by saying that we need to communicate, not just with others but with ourselves honestly. We need to be open, not separated from each other and ourselves. I cannot stop what I see in the world, but I can view it in a more humanistic way. If we want to have a future for the generations to come, forgive yourselves and others so that your children may learn to do the same.

I don't usually quote anyone here but I like this - "Love being nothing other than a release of the boundaries that separate us from another being." - Charles Eisenstein

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Razor Sharp Mind

Facing yourself and admitting your wrongs is the hardest thing one can do in their lifetime. Admitting that all those times that you may have been 'right' were actually your way of cutting your emotional side off and alienating everyone around you from the love that you so needed in order come to grips with the turmoil inside, is the only way to evolve and finally start to love yourself and others wholly.

I am speaking of my own experience here, the loss that it took for me to finally admit that what I was doing was not opening my mind to everything that came at me but instead, in my own way, I was erecting the walls around my heart that had hurt ever since I was a boy and I was hiding behind that and was pushing everyone that got close to climbing over, right back down to the start of the ladder that I had laid there but never let anyone get to the top. I was watching them climb up then fall, until they could take it no more.

I had smoked pot for years, from morning to night in the last stages and I see what it had done to me. I had told myself and others, quite convincingly, that it helped me to deal with what I could see and the society that seems to not care about what it does to each other. Sure my mind was sharp but the blades of harshness were always at the ready to cut apart any emotion that came my way or any sensitivity that would have enabled me to truly grow into the person that I had so wanted to be. The mind was sharp and the pot kept the blades at the ready; ready to put anyone that got in the way of me being 'right', into a pile of diced up emotions on the floor waiting to be swept away by the next wave of logic. The pot had made sure that I myself never fell into the 'trap' of being too emotional causing me to believe that I was 'free' but really locking me into my mind, surrounded by harsh words and soothing them away as a logical conclusion.

Under its spell, I hated everything; crowds, lines, society, babies, mothers, cats, shoes, soy milk (OK that might be a good thing)... everything. I thought that I was capable of 'love' and all the while I could not even show it to myself, let alone the two people that I do deeply love. I would say things that sounded good, made a lot of sense and perhaps were even right but without the emotion to back it up, it was just hollow and really meant nothing; for without the love required to save myself, how could I even hope to positively influence any change in anyone else and share the knowledge that I do hold?

I was cold for so long, I let the pot take over my heart for I was in control of my mind, but what is a mind without a heart but a cold instrument of torture that logically beats its victims into submission. Without being able to see 'light' in the world or anyone else, how could I even expect to be able to receive the love that I wasted for so long and even thought that I could give.

Some advice for those of you that use marijuana to hone your analytical skills; be aware that what it also does is harden the soft side of you so that anyone that wishes to get close, has to work so hard that in the end, they themselves may end up close to destruction and flee before they are sucked into the dark vortex of light-less judgement and blame.

Do yourselves a favor or maybe an experiment, stop for a while and check out the world in a new light; stop and FEEL. See that there is good in everyone, no matter how confused they may seem to you or how illogical their words may sound to you. You may find that people have more to offer than you gave them the chance to when you can finally open yourself up. You may find that people will open up to you if you can finally love yourself enough to see who they are. Logic is a good tool if it is used right, but without an emotional connection to the world and its inhabitants, what is the point? If you don't love yourself or the world, why change it? It will still disappoint you in the end for that is all you end up doing to yourself.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

In Defense Of The Ego

It is difficult to be able to see things that others simply refuse to see. To be able to admit to yourself that 'I have been programmed to believe 'something' and then see it in a new light for the very first time. When one can see beyond the world that we live in and towards a future that is sustainable, fair and just, one just wants others to share that vision and the world to move towards such a Utopian dream.

When one shares the truths that one sees with others, the labels, almost immediately (sometimes not out loud), begin to fly about: conspiracy theorist, arrogant, domineering, insensitive, disrespectful, selfish, asshole, bastard, jerk, uncaring, without feeling, uncompromising, crazy, a threat, an attacker, not politically correct (always a favorite) or just plain anti-social or too philosophical. It seems far easier to discredit those that may have some genuine wisdom brought about by experience, self examination and observation of the environment around them than to see the flaws within ourselves.

Be they friends, family, lovers, strangers; most of the reactions are the same. The judgements come out in defense of their egos because a 'truth' which I believe in, may, in some way, implicate them in their own minds. The truths may force them to look within themselves and to challenge what it is that they themselves believe after a lifetime of experience, pain, joy, education and force them to question the very being that they believe is their 'self'.

They search for validation in the form of excuses, beliefs, friends and family that agree with them and block out the 'intruder', as they must be the 'evil' one and the world that they know and have always lived in, must be 'sane'. They look for a scapegoat to demonize in order to corroborate their own views, which must be true, for they have lived this long with them. The 'new' influence or view must be wrong because it is new (and therefore not validated) and seems to go against everything that they have learned or may go against a society which they live in. The feeling that we must believe in the society because we must live in it, takes over and the intruder is nullified.

I can tell you that nothing hurts more than having those that you love and believed loved you, turn against you. To hear all of the accusations and impugning words come from those that once supported and encouraged you is something that could kill an unstable and weak person. Fortunately I am strong and realize that I must be 'true to myself', for being true to me means I can admit my mistakes, I can forgive those that attack me and most importantly I can still believe in the universal love of humanity not the separation of our current state of affairs. If I were to go against these to accommodate those that view me as an adversary, then I would simply have to resign my beliefs in humanity and a world that can be more just for all and of a better future for the generations to come.

Now I never claimed to be an 'expert' or better than everyone else but I will not sell myself short either; I know that I am an intelligent man with an ability to see what is in front of me that most people ignore. My greatest ability in life has been the ability to learn, to observe, to realize and now, to reflect. I know that my writings started out as angry and as an attack of the world and society but I feel that I have grown since then; I no longer hold onto the anger but instead see the love that is possible to make one grow to beyond even their own limits. I can observe and reflect on what has happened in my own life and psyche and see the patterns involved between the 'formation' of a society and the 'realization' of the self. I also know now that this is not something that can be taught but must instead be realized on an individual level.

Why is it that we seem to be threatened by someone that has wisdom (although I can''t claim this)? Can a person have wisdom without being 'educated' or holding a degree? Can one not realize the simplicity of psychology and the effects of sociological training through their own observations and experiences rather than through an 'accredited' form of 'education'? What is it that we fear? We seem to be in a world where everyone wants to do things their way, even if their way is lacking. So they fight and they blame, call people control freaks and throw away their love - for they seem to deem themselves not worthy if the idea didn't originate from them. Why are we so afraid to learn from one another? Why do our egos get so bruised?

I have figured out a lot of things on my own in life and I will not be held down by fears, apprehensions or just plain angst; I will not be a puppet of the system and will continue to develop my mind and my heart. Yes I do know about a lot of different things but that does not make me inflexible or arrogant for I am always willing to learn something new as long as it comes from a logical approach. I will not internalize the fears of others nor will I compromise the knowledge or the wisdom that I have acquired for someone who may 'not be ready' and ready to 'fight'. If my words make you uncomfortable, that is not my problem, for I only speak the truth as I understand it. Look within yourselves and find your own truths because I can no longer take the blame for your inadequacies and lack of understanding.

Two of the truths and how I understand them:

The ego is a culmination of a life's experience and conditioning, the little voices in our minds that question, analyse, judge and fear anything that challenges the status-quo and our perceived selves. This is what causes us to separate for this is what gets bruised when something challenges our knowledge or questions our beliefs. This is what drives us crazy.

The true self is the part of us that can break through the ego and realize that we all love, that we all live and that we and all of nature are interconnected. This is what gives me hope, for it can bring us together, through understanding and a humility that says "I need each and every one of you and what you have to offer". This is the part that accepts our failures as learning experiences and our lack of knowledge as a chance to grow. This is what can set us free. This is the 'self' that we need, for without it we are all just frightened children that have never really grown up, continually fighting amongst each other over who's dad can beat up who's.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Ease Of Hate

Why is it that we are so hard on ourselves? We seem to internalize everything that goes wrong; in our lives, in our friends, in our lovers, in the world - we seem to punish ourselves for everything that causes pain, discomfort and separation. When that is not enough or we can no longer punish ourselves, we lash out at the ones we love and try to intentionally hurt others in order to make ourselves feel better.

What have we learned in our lives? Where did all the hatred come from? Why is it so easy to hate yet so difficult to love?

I hate a certain style of clothes, hairstyle, food, car, music, people on T.V., the list goes on and on. Now what do we love? Hate is such a powerful emotion yet it seems to be wasted on everything, seems to be thrown about with no remorse. I tried to hate and I hated for a long time. Mainly myself but also others and everything to do with society. I don't want to hate anymore.

Is this the only emotion that comes easily these days? Are we that dissatisfied with everything or so easily hurt that hate is the only emotion that seems to surface? We hate it when someone contradicts us, we hate it when they seem to know more than us, we hate it when they don't seem to listen to us, what is the problem here? Have our lives become so about 'me' that we can just hate everything that seems to challenge 'me'? Are we so insecure, that everything that contradicts us is considered a personal attack? Are we so afraid to be caught out as the people that can no longer love without conditions that we instead go on the attack ourselves, all in the name of self preservation and saving face?

What are we doing to each other? Can we not see the love that is possible, if only we let our guards down? Do we no longer believe that love can truly exist? Have we been so conditioned to competition that everyone we meet is essentially capable of stealing part of the life energy that we think we need to survive? Do we really so NEED to be recognized that we would rather fight than learn, we would rather hate than admit we are wrong or that we did not realize something on our own? It seems to be far easier to hate Muslims than it does to view scientific evidence which may implicate something or someone closer to home to the events of 9/11.

We hate that girl on Survivor, we hate that guy on The Amazing Race, we hate that person that wins the lottery, we hate that other sports team, we hate that person that got the promotion over us, we hate the person who knows more than us; is this the only 'natural' emotion that we have left? We change the channel, we delete the exes, we burn memories, we hate a race of people, but why? Do we really think that this is the way to make 'us' feel better? Do we really believe that an experience in life, whether bad or good, should be forgotten rather than learned from? Do we really believe that love can just be extinguished forever, simply by hating?

One year after separation or divorce, 50% of children of divorced or separated families never see their fathers again, why is this? Is this because the children end up with the mothers and hear how bad men are? Is this because the fathers no longer love them? Is this because the children no longer love their fathers? Is this fueled by shame, guilt and a myriad of other negative emotions? We are at a time when divorce is a %50 probability, what does this do? Does this not instill fear of trust, communication, honesty and love itself? Why does this happen? Could it be that in our separation from community to the self that we close down and never really open up, for anyone could be a danger or an attacker? How do we learn this?

If we cannot treat ourselves and the people that we meet in life better, how can the following generations ever have a hope of making a better world? How can they ever truly love and come together to restore a natural balance when it is so easy to hate and compete? How can humanity ever come together to assure that life is a right for all Earthly inhabitants and not just something that sometimes gets in the way of profit and the advancement of 'me'?

Monday, May 11, 2009

In The Age Of Separation

"Be independent and strong"

"Don't rely on anyone else"

"Don't get pushed around"

"Money makes the world go round"

"There are winners and there are losers"

"Men are from Mars, women are from Venus"

Funny how we have become a society that desperately searches for a 'connection' to other people but we don't seem to be able to talk and open to anyone and we even pay 'professionals' to talk with instead of the ones we supposedly 'love'. We talk to 'friends' that echo back our fears and supply some of their own but at least they are 'on our side'. We forget that a person's good deeds far outweigh their wrongs and instead focus ourselves on the 'bad' in order to justify to ourselves the inability to love that we ourselves possess. If nothing else, society teaches us that there is 'bad' in everyone and that it could come in any form; so we stay on guard and are always ready to blame.

No wonder people don't know what love is - love is a car, diamonds, house, vacation, job, music, food, family, blind, simple, easy, complicated, pain, perfect, a battlefield, the answer, the best, solves everything, ruins everything, timeless, limited, a gamble, a sure thing, forever, lost, amazing, strange, forgiving, understanding, uncertain, angry, happy, sad, everywhere, unlimited, has boundaries, insane, kind, patient, unpredictable, cruel, crazy, an idea, a feeling, your heart, nature, humanity, worth it ...

So what is it? Is it definable? Is it from the heart or the mind or both? What is it? Is it supposed to be the 'answer' and solve all of our problems? We tend to rely on it to 'save' us, but from what? Why do we chase it, is it because we grew up hearing about it everywhere? Why do we let it destroy us, is it because we never really feel worthy of it? Why do we allow the pain that it can cause to lash out at the ones that we love? We stay 'strong' and harden ourselves in order to be able to do it all over again with someone new and improved and are always comparing to what our ideals tell us is 'right'.

We tell ourselves that we love our children so we protect them from experiencing any kind of 'adverse' emotion or pain but what we really do is keep them from learning to deal with pain and challenges in life. We pack them in day-cares which leashes them together and walks them like dogs; all in the name of exercise. We love our children so much that we appreciate the fears that keep them 'out of trouble' or 'safe'. We worry when we can't keep an eye on them, when they sleep, when they go out, when they cry, when they are angry, when they are afraid, when they fall, when they're not hungry, when they eat too much ... We must be worried that they will be able to take care of themselves and therefore no longer require us.

We seem to try so hard to 'connect', to ourselves, to others, to our families, yet we practice the art of separation. How many times have you held a grudge or forgiven? How many times have you left or talked things through? How many times have you judged or accepted someone? How many times have you focused on pain rather than the joy? How many times have you seen the fear and not the adventure in life?

When we practice to separate, we give into everything that is considered 'normal' in today's society. We feed the economy through dinners, movies, dancing, gifts, flowers ... but what we really do is confuse, even further, the love that is needed to come together and change this world for a better future for the upcoming generations. We teach our children that love is temporary, that flaws are unacceptable and that there is always something better out there so they will forever keep searching, forever be 'independent' and forever be disappointed. What happens to a generation of people that are so well protected that they do not know how to deal with the inevitable pains that they will experience in their lifetime?

Let yourselves and your children fall, eat some mud, get bacteria, develop an immune system. Every experience in life is a learning experience; the good, the bad and the ugly. Let yourselves work for the love that can save the world for if it felt real, it is probably worth fighting for. Humanity can save itself but it starts with each and every one of us; we must learn to be forgiving, we must learn to see through flaws and most importantly, we must learn to see through ourselves and our fears. We must be one if there is to be a 'future'.

Monday, May 04, 2009

In A World Of What-Ifs

What-if I can't find a job and life becomes difficult?

What-if I get into a car accident?

What-if my child is kidnapped?

What-if I don't meet that deadline?

What-if I don't get that raise?

What-if I get into debt?

What-if I fall and am not wearing a helmet?

What-if I run with scissors?

What-if I climb a tree?

What-if I ride a bike without a helmet?

What-if I drive without a seat belt?

What-if my baby sleeps on its stomach?

What-if my baby sleeps on its back?

What-if the children's playground has a merry-go-round?

What-if my love is not returned to my satisfaction?

What-if I lose 'myself' when I give my love to another?

What-if society cannot change because people's genes have changed?

What-if I go on holidays without insurance?

What-if the grass is really greener on the other side?

This, of course is but a small list of the paranoia and distrust that we hold in our own abilities and the 'outcome' of whatever we do in life. There is a multitude of others, feel free to add.

Why is it that we allow the 'what-ifs' to control what we do, what we think, what we feel? What is it about giving that we find so foreign and frightful? What is it about a life of true 'humanity' that scares us so much?

Fear is the greatest control mechanism on Earth. If one is frightened of 'change' or of 'spending money' to save the world, then one will never 'demand' that change happens. One will instead 'accept' that this is their 'role' in life and do the best that they can with that limited 'choice'

What-if everyone could see the truth behind money and the society that we have built around it? What-if people started to share instead of closing themselves off from one another? What-if money no longer mattered?

The what-ifs that we should be asking are the ones that can free our minds, our hearts and humanity, not the ones that 'keep us in line' and forever fearful of the consequences. Life should be a wondrous thing, not a prison.

Free yourselves, think for yourselves; to fail is an important part of evolution and life.

The Next High

Why is it that we do not question? Why is it that we simply accept? Are we still waiting for a hero, for someone or something to come along and magically change everything; to make things better for all? We say that we must all take control of our own destinies, that we are subsequently responsible for ourselves, but where does that leave humanity as a whole? What are we ultimately responsible for? Are we not ultimately responsible for the world and the civilization that we leave for future generations? Are we not to be responsible for the balance of nature and its perpetuation towards a future?

What I have witnessed in my short but insightful life is that we seem to 'binge' on life, especially those in 'western' society. We love our gadgets, our toys, the abundance of food, water, entertainment, relationships (be it lovers, friends or family), we are constantly on the lookout for our next fix of the new, latest and trendy items to purchase, eat or explore; our next 'high' so to speak.

Some of the things that I personally remember:

Cars - I have always purchased older vehicles and worked on them myself. Throughout the years we have supposedly had a lot of advancements in motor vehicles but have we really? The first thing that comes to mind is rust, why is it that with all of the materials and 'technological' advances in materials over the last 100 years that we still drive cars that rust and fall apart? In 1981 (that is 28 years ago - think about that), there were cars that did not rust; remember the DeLorean? What is the root cause of the continuation of cars that rust? Remember the Pontiac Firefly? Here was a car that had a 3 cylinder engine and was getting 50+MPG about 25 years ago, and now we are all impressed with numbers such as 35-45MPG, did we really advance?

The fact is that we have, and have had, the technology to make better cars for a long time, to have them last longer (when is the last time that you could buy a car that was over 20 years old and not have it falling apart?), work better and be more fuel efficient (or even be electric - the EV), we just choose not to; or rather, we accept that "this is just the way it is". That 'newer is better' and we just keep on consuming and 'upgrading' to the latest and greatest models. Did you also know that GM had an engine in the 60s that made GM lose money? Not because it was not a good engine, but rather because it did not break down enough and profits were lost on parts and repairs; this engine was removed from markets and replaced with ones that were 'different' (more cubic inches or another 'impressive' fact) and which broke down at least at 'regular' intervals. Motive - Profit, not efficiency, not technical advancement, and definitely not the environment or the well managed use of resources.

Household Appliances - I used to work in the business of repairing household appliances such as ovens, laundry machines and refrigerators. I remember that I had worked on machines that were over 30 years old and still worked fine, just needing minor repairs. Now think about the ones in your house today; how old are they, are you ready to 'replace' them and what are the reasons. I saw the differences in materials used to manufacture these machines, the 'electronics' that seemed to 'hypnotize' people into purchasing the ones with the blinking lights and count down timers. People would start concerning themselves with the 'color scheme' of their appliances and the 'latest' colors were only available if one would replace their current ones. I remember one refrigerator well, it was manufactured by Whirlpool, with the System 2000 electronic control. This was a terrible machine which had a computerized board which burned out constantly. Now this was a board which replaced a control part which previously could be repaired for about 30 to 60 dollars, usually labor included. If you had one of the newer ones, the board itself was upwards of $180; all totalled the repair bill would run to about 1/3 of the cost of replacing the appliance so why repair? So it came down to - do we want to repair it and risk something else breaking? Or did we want to simply replace and have the 'peace of mind' of a 'warranty'? We have become a disposable society.

Televisions and Cell Phones - Both of these are changing and becoming obsolete constantly. TVs are now to be digital in the U.S. because the 'system' is changing 'to better serve you'. Forcing people that require a television to upgrade to the latest technology. Cell phones are the same; a good working cell phone from the past will not work on the new 'systems' for the same reasons. Let us not forget that, as digital, it is far easier to track and gather information about the users of these devices than the previous analog technologies. I won't even go into my years in the computer industry.

Now, am I the only one that has also noticed these things and simply cannot 'accept'? Have we not seen the other reciprocal effects of all this? Has no one noticed that there are fewer mechanics, that there are fewer appliance repair persons, that there are fewer television repair shops? This means that people have lost their jobs, their livelihoods and have had to adapt to something else even if this is the only thing they have ever known and even enjoyed. This has also led to bankruptcies, lower living wages and hardship for families across our 'civilized world'. This is the technological obsolescence of human labour and in our monetary system, the obsolescence of their very 'lives'.

Sometimes it is our society itself; through laws, that forces these issues of 'upgrading', of keeping up to date and of continuing the consumer cycle. These 'laws', often disguised as 'safety', are just blindly accepted and become part of us. They shape our thoughts, our behaviours and our purchasing habits using the life credits we call money. We upgrade out of vanity, competition, jealousy, self indulgence, self importance but do we ever really upgrade for ourselves?

Don't get trapped in a cyclical life, say NO MORE. Don't accept what is offered but rather demand something better. Become the deadbeat that purchases with cash or uses a credit card and then pays it off. Become the person that grows their own food or at least a portion of it. Become the person that embraces nature rather than destroys it. Become the person that is satisfied with what they have and better that, rather than trying to one-up through the upgrade cycle. Don't be a follower and don't be a leader; instead be a sharer and let us open ourselves up to each other, share information and go back to the trust in one another that society once had. Don't be afraid of 'not having', don't be afraid of 'falling behind' don't be afraid of this adventure that we call life and humanity; embrace yourselves and your fellow Earthly inhabitants, it is not 'easier' to be an 'island of one' than it is to open ones self to the wonders of life and others.

Friday, May 01, 2009

What Happened To Us?

It is no wonder that there is so little love in the world today and we are where we are. Within all the levels of divisions which one experiences in a lifetime, what tends to have been lost is the trust in others, the belief in ourselves and with that the love that people and humanity so desperately need.

Love is the most powerful and possibly the most natural of all human emotions. We like to believe that we believe in love, yet we live in fear of it. We fear that giving means someone else is taking, that we or they won't live up to expectations, that we will be left. Trust in the 'system', 'friends' and 'society' seems to come easier than in ourselves or the ones which we supposedly 'love' so we put up our defenses and shoot down anyone or anything that gets close to seeing through them and essentially into us.

Singly and with the 'support' of those which we 'allow' some influence in our lives, we resist 'change'. Saying things like "I have to be true to myself" or hearing things like "don't change for anyone"; what we really resist is our own evolution, our own ability to 'come together'. The 'change' and the 'sharing' which naturally occurs in a 'relationship' can grow and makes us uneasy, for we are taught to trust no one as they may be 'bad' and take something from us. So we run in search of what love 'should be' without ever giving a chance for love 'to be'.

We seem to search for something or someone that will 'give' as much or more than we are able to without really looking at ourselves and our own limits on 'giving' and 'receiving'; for even when we 'get' we still feel ashamed for not 'giving' as much and when we give we feel anger when we don't seem to receive to our satisfaction. We don't want to feel 'ripped off' so we become afraid to talk in fear of opening ourselves up to disappointment and laying ourselves bare and vulnerable and love never really gets the chance to flourish and grow; never gets the chance to change us into the more humanistic people which this world needs in order to change itself. Apart, we can all be afraid, together we can all gather strength to move forward and overcome challenges of life, human interaction and the world.

We 'fake' our way through life and human relationships, picking out and 'evaluating' our circumstances and concentrating on the 'uncomfortable' moments in our lives until we can bear them no longer; we then simply discard and move on, relishing the 'new' and yet to be 'broken'. Be it lovers, friends, work, homes, family or society we run away from it all but what we can not run away from is ourselves. We practice 'corporate' breakups using the same cold methods of analysis (have I gotten as much or more than I have given?) without talking and forever heaving blame (to others and ourselves), we rationalize leaving and move on to the next model in hopes that this will be the 'one' until even the new wears on our nerves and seems 'broken' to us. Never really feeling but rather being enamored with the concept of couple-hood and love.

I spent my entire life with the 'negative' aspects of love, never really giving in fear of 'the end' or of my own 'worthiness'. I tried to be a 'rock' because men don't cry but we don't have to become hard and strong for each other, for as a 'strong' self' we can never be as powerful as a loving community and if we continue to search for a 'perfect' state of being, we will always be disappointed.

There is no longer unconditional love, for nothing lasts forever in our 'upgrade' lives. We deem things as too much work, that there has to be something or someone easier, so we 'move on'; never really allowing ourselves to be the 'good' people that we so need to be. We search for perfection without ever believing in utopia and accepting what society has to offer. I don't want a 'perfect' love or a perfect world because I will never feel worthy from the start. Love is something that is work, something that grows and does change people, once we realize that and accept it, then maybe we can be humble enough to truly experience what love and life has to offer; then we may be able to move into a more human existence.

I ask of everyone to ask themselves - What happened to 'us'?